My entire life I have been the "skinny girl". I was that girl that people 'hated' because I literally ate pizza for lunch every day and didn't eat healthy and could eat a bucket of KFC chicken and not gain weight. From the time I was a little girl people would comment on how skinny I was, not in a bad way but almost like a compliment. I did sports all throughout my childhood. I was constantly doing some athletic activity until my junior year of high school when I didn't make the volley ball team, but even after I stopped consistently working out I was still "skinny". I never gained the "freshman 15" I think mainly because my diet never changed. I moved away from home and ate the exact same way I ate when I was home. Also I dislocated my ankle my first semester and so the first few weeks of college I was kind of on an eat when I need to diet because I couldn't walk. But that aside, I was always "skinny". I went on study abroad, where everyone gains weight, and I lost 10 pounds. I actually had a girl come up to me one day and ask me 'how I stayed so skinny' which was awkward because she was all about health and fitness and I, well, wasn't. People have always asked me that though, "How do you stay so thin?" "You're so skinny! How do you do that?". You guys, pizza and fries and moderate to sedentary exercise plan. That was my diet. That is what I did to stay "skinny".
This one is kind of a doozy. Putting in a break. Click through for more!
So you may have noticed that I have been putting "skinny" in quotation marks. Well that is because skinny is a strange word. It tends to correlate in our minds with healthy, which I was not necessarily healthy because of my strange eating habits (see old post). Skinny also is so subjective, what is it? Like size 0 pants? 00? Model thin? Re-touched model thin? I was thin, but there were people who were thinner and there were thin people who were bigger. But what I want to focus on here is the danger of the word "skinny".
Last year, for who knows what reason, I gained like 10 pounds. I went from being a skinny 5'5" 125 pounds to a 5'5" 135 pounds. I went from loving my body, or at least having no complaints about it, to being ashamed of my body. It's not like I even changed pant size, although they definitely fit more snug (and the inner thighs wear out a bit faster, tmi?). I don't know if it was a change in diet (I had recently started cooking more for myself and Dan) or if the hellish winter made my body thing I had to pack on the blubber or if my metabolism just decided to slow down. Whatever happened I didn't like it. I would go to the gym but nothing really helped. Worst of all was this was also about the time I was planning a wedding. I was probably at my life time highest weight around my wedding day and that sucked. Not because my husband found me repulsive or anything but because I found myself repulsive and if there is anything that is definitely not sexy it's finding yourself repulsive. In the months leading up to my wedding I would work out a bit and I tried to eat healthier/smaller portions, I tried that awful cucumber lemon water for like a day but it was too gross. Nothing really worked. I remember that whole year I would just feel so awful about my body and some nights I would just cry myself to sleep because I just felt so worthless, I just felt so... fat.
But you guys! I wasn't fat! I had a belly. My thighs had gotten a bit bigger. That was it. So why did I feel so awful about myself? I honestly think it was because I had placed a pretty big part of my self value in my appearance, specifically on being skinny. I had always been skinny, and if I wasn't skinny anymore who was I? How could I be beautiful if I wasn't skinny? How could people value me if I wasn't skinny? How could I be Katie if I wasn't skinny? It wasn't necessarily a vanity crisis, it was a self identity crisis. THAT is why "skinny" is a dangerous word. We place a lot of value on it. It means healthy, it means beautiful, it means desirable, it means confident, when in reality it doesn't actually mean any of those things. All it means is that your body is a certain size.
Can we focus for a second on the skinny=confident? Okay good. I think people have this idea that people who are skinny and look like barbie-incarnate have really good self image. I want to point out that self image or eating disorders rarely have anything to do with your body size. Most of the time it is caused by external factors. Even the most beautiful women in the world can have self image issues and feel the need to loose a few pounds or buff out a few things. If someone tells you they dislike their body or have poor self image never dismiss it. It doesn't matter if their size 2 jeans, a double D cup, and have JLo's butt- their self image issues are just as important as any full figured woman. SKINNY DOES NOT EQUAL GOOD SELF IMAGE.
So where am I now? I know you're all dying to know. I'm still 5'5" 130-135 lbs. I'm trying to get into good shape but not to focus on loosing weight but to focus on strength and what my body can do. I'm trying to take my body image back from society. I'm trying to not put my self worth in things that change constantly. I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of my body and pushing it to become better and healthier- not skinnier. There are definitely days where I feel fat, where I don't want to eat because I don't feel like I have earned it. I'm getting better about how I respect my body, it's a slow process and I imagine it will be a life long process but it is getting easier.
So what is the point of all this? I would love to have the power to start a movement. You know the stop calling girls bossy movement? I would love the do a stop putting emphasis on skinny movement. Stop putting emphasis on compliments that revolve around appearance. Take the time to reevaluate the compliments you give people. If you are only saying stuff like "OMG you look so skinny" or "You're hair is amazing!" all of that stuff is SO great if that isn't the only thing you say and if that isn't the only thing you are focused on. Focus on the intelligence and positive characteristics of others around you. That should be what we focus our compliments on. ALSO and so much more important reevaluate where your self value lies. If it lies in something that can easily be taken away, like your weight, your hair, anything really based on appearance try to change that or refocus it. Instead of valuing your weight value the health of your body and what it can do- can you hike a mountain, YAY! Can you increase your weight in lifting, GOOD JOB!! Value what your body can do, what you can create, not what your body looks like. Chances are you'll always be able to cook or sew or increase your endurance, you might not always be a size 2. Keep your self value healthy and learn to love yourself for who you are not just what you are.
Beauty Redefined put it really just perfectly: Do you use your body as a decoration or a tool? Is your body just on this earth to serve as something pretty for others to look at or will you use it to make things and make a difference. You guys. I think this is pretty obvious but it might just be me, use your body as a tool. Use it to create, to make yourself better and to better the lives of people around you. Don't just let your body be something to be looked at. While it is great to want to be beautiful and valued for your appearance, don't let that be the only thing because that can be taken so quickly.
This one is kind of a doozy. Putting in a break. Click through for more!
So you may have noticed that I have been putting "skinny" in quotation marks. Well that is because skinny is a strange word. It tends to correlate in our minds with healthy, which I was not necessarily healthy because of my strange eating habits (see old post). Skinny also is so subjective, what is it? Like size 0 pants? 00? Model thin? Re-touched model thin? I was thin, but there were people who were thinner and there were thin people who were bigger. But what I want to focus on here is the danger of the word "skinny".
Last year, for who knows what reason, I gained like 10 pounds. I went from being a skinny 5'5" 125 pounds to a 5'5" 135 pounds. I went from loving my body, or at least having no complaints about it, to being ashamed of my body. It's not like I even changed pant size, although they definitely fit more snug (and the inner thighs wear out a bit faster, tmi?). I don't know if it was a change in diet (I had recently started cooking more for myself and Dan) or if the hellish winter made my body thing I had to pack on the blubber or if my metabolism just decided to slow down. Whatever happened I didn't like it. I would go to the gym but nothing really helped. Worst of all was this was also about the time I was planning a wedding. I was probably at my life time highest weight around my wedding day and that sucked. Not because my husband found me repulsive or anything but because I found myself repulsive and if there is anything that is definitely not sexy it's finding yourself repulsive. In the months leading up to my wedding I would work out a bit and I tried to eat healthier/smaller portions, I tried that awful cucumber lemon water for like a day but it was too gross. Nothing really worked. I remember that whole year I would just feel so awful about my body and some nights I would just cry myself to sleep because I just felt so worthless, I just felt so... fat.
But you guys! I wasn't fat! I had a belly. My thighs had gotten a bit bigger. That was it. So why did I feel so awful about myself? I honestly think it was because I had placed a pretty big part of my self value in my appearance, specifically on being skinny. I had always been skinny, and if I wasn't skinny anymore who was I? How could I be beautiful if I wasn't skinny? How could people value me if I wasn't skinny? How could I be Katie if I wasn't skinny? It wasn't necessarily a vanity crisis, it was a self identity crisis. THAT is why "skinny" is a dangerous word. We place a lot of value on it. It means healthy, it means beautiful, it means desirable, it means confident, when in reality it doesn't actually mean any of those things. All it means is that your body is a certain size.
Can we focus for a second on the skinny=confident? Okay good. I think people have this idea that people who are skinny and look like barbie-incarnate have really good self image. I want to point out that self image or eating disorders rarely have anything to do with your body size. Most of the time it is caused by external factors. Even the most beautiful women in the world can have self image issues and feel the need to loose a few pounds or buff out a few things. If someone tells you they dislike their body or have poor self image never dismiss it. It doesn't matter if their size 2 jeans, a double D cup, and have JLo's butt- their self image issues are just as important as any full figured woman. SKINNY DOES NOT EQUAL GOOD SELF IMAGE.
So where am I now? I know you're all dying to know. I'm still 5'5" 130-135 lbs. I'm trying to get into good shape but not to focus on loosing weight but to focus on strength and what my body can do. I'm trying to take my body image back from society. I'm trying to not put my self worth in things that change constantly. I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of my body and pushing it to become better and healthier- not skinnier. There are definitely days where I feel fat, where I don't want to eat because I don't feel like I have earned it. I'm getting better about how I respect my body, it's a slow process and I imagine it will be a life long process but it is getting easier.
So what is the point of all this? I would love to have the power to start a movement. You know the stop calling girls bossy movement? I would love the do a stop putting emphasis on skinny movement. Stop putting emphasis on compliments that revolve around appearance. Take the time to reevaluate the compliments you give people. If you are only saying stuff like "OMG you look so skinny" or "You're hair is amazing!" all of that stuff is SO great if that isn't the only thing you say and if that isn't the only thing you are focused on. Focus on the intelligence and positive characteristics of others around you. That should be what we focus our compliments on. ALSO and so much more important reevaluate where your self value lies. If it lies in something that can easily be taken away, like your weight, your hair, anything really based on appearance try to change that or refocus it. Instead of valuing your weight value the health of your body and what it can do- can you hike a mountain, YAY! Can you increase your weight in lifting, GOOD JOB!! Value what your body can do, what you can create, not what your body looks like. Chances are you'll always be able to cook or sew or increase your endurance, you might not always be a size 2. Keep your self value healthy and learn to love yourself for who you are not just what you are.
Beauty Redefined put it really just perfectly: Do you use your body as a decoration or a tool? Is your body just on this earth to serve as something pretty for others to look at or will you use it to make things and make a difference. You guys. I think this is pretty obvious but it might just be me, use your body as a tool. Use it to create, to make yourself better and to better the lives of people around you. Don't just let your body be something to be looked at. While it is great to want to be beautiful and valued for your appearance, don't let that be the only thing because that can be taken so quickly.
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While at this time in my life I was actually pretty much hating my body I feel
like this picture reflects how I would like to feel.
Carefree about what I look like and embracing the things my body can do
and the beauty around me
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Great post Katie! I think that everyone (girls and boys) can relate to what you have said at one point or another in their life.
ReplyDeleteKatie I love this. Amen and amen. I've been working on this "movement" for the past few years and it's amazing the emphasis we put on the number we weigh rather than on how we truly feel. Something that totally helped me was to get rid of the scale. If I was trying to convince myself I could be happy at any weight as long as I was healthy, then number really didn't matter right?! Once I let that go I focused more on how I felt and not what my number was or wasn't. It was liberating. But also hard to hold on to. Proud of you girl. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeletePs this is something I've looked into a bit and want to read. I hear from everyone that's read it it's inspiring: http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Eating-Rediscovering-Relationship-Includes/dp/1590305310
i was talking to a friend the other day who told me it is her policy "not to comment on other people's bodies" other than to tell someone "you look beautiful" and I think that is very smart idea! You're right, most people think that "skinny" is a compliment, and sometimes it is, but I had plenty of very thin friends in college who were constantly trying to gain weight to be more healthy, or because a doctor was ordering it or some who were too thin because of a health issue or an eating disorder and being called skinny wasn't a compliment to them at all! or it was a compliment and it encouraged them to continue unhealthy habits.
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